Dr Tina Rae is a Child Psychologist and award winning author specialising in the mental health and wellbeing of children and young people.

She has recently produced a set of resources aimed at parents of children who struggle with the transition from home to school. This was a huge issue for many parents before 2020 but this year has gone further to exacerbate an already difficult situation. Many individuals came back to school very positively to start with but unfortunately for some, this positive start is beginning to waver.

The following ideas describe how parents can prepare for this transition with practical tips that include the importance of self care. I am delighted to be able to share these resources with you. Please also scroll down for details of other resources and Dr Tina’s YouTube channel. You can catch up with her on Twitter as well: @DrTinarae.

Sunday evening:

Soothe– do some calming activities and make the last things at night soothing – gentle music, story for younger ones, soft lighting, talk about 3 good things before bed.

Understand– make sure you let them know that you do understand their feelings and you do not negate of dismiss them – you understand how hard it is but it will get better in time! Develop your script for this if appropriate.

Neutralise– record any worries in a worry book and then talk through each one helping the child to see a solution/where they are catastrophising and show them the evidence against any irrational thoughts/thinking patterns.

Decide– on a plan of action and go through it step by step – this is what we will do tomorrow. Work out the schedule and ensure that everything is ready – book, bag, PE kit etc and laid out for the next morning. Make the plan visual if needed.

Attend– be vigilant to the child’s emotional state and give more time if they need it so that they feel nurtured and safe. Give reassurance and a transitional object for younger children.

Yourself– look after yourself and make sure that you are regulated and feel calm yourself. Engage in some relaxation and take time out after the bedtime routine for you to build up your own resources and remember that it is ok to feel worried but don’t let it overwhelm you.

Monday Morning:

Manage– manage yourself FIRST! This is not selfish. This is not selfish. You cannot support a child or young person who is unregulated and stressed if you are too. Take time to sort your own needs and then manage your emotional state by using your usual stress management tools e.g. grounding/time alone/Mindfulness etc.

Organise– get everything ready ( by getting up earlier ) so the bags are in the hallway, the breakfast is set up and you own things for work/whatever you need are all organised. This means that you can attend to the child and do so in a regulated manner.

Neutralise– spend some time with your child talking through any worries and again helping them to see a solution/where they are catastrophising and show them the evidence against any irrational thoughts/thinking patterns.

Decide– this is the plan – make it clear to them that you have a plan to get to school, how you will get here, what music you might listen to in the car/stories you might tell to each other on the bus/as you walk/who else might be with you etc so that it all becomes clear and they feel prepared for each step.

Accept– accept the child’s emotional state and give them reassurance that you love and care for them so that they feel nurtured and safe. Give reassurance and a transitional object for younger children. It is okay to feel anxious, but we all need to manage it and I will help you. I am with you
and will stay with you while you need me.

Yourself– again look after yourself and make sure that you are regulated and feel calm yourself. Engage in some relaxation and remember that it is ok to feel worried but don’t let it overwhelm you. keep using the script – if I stay calm, I will make him/her feel safe.

Find your calm plan:

Focus on what you can control to reduce your anxiety
Identify 3 positives at the end of each day and revisit them at the start of the next day
Neutralise those negative thoughts by reframing them into more effective ones and remember a thought is not necessarily true
Develop a self-care plan and stick to it! Write it down and follow it each day and remember self-care is not selfish and you cannot pour from an
empty vessel
Yourself first – Attend to your own needs for calm so that you can share it with your child and remember you cannot regulate others if you are unregulated.
Observe your breathing and take deep breaths when it becomes shallow or tight and Put your hand on your heart and just PAUSE.
Understand that it is normal to feel anxious when we are in uncertain times and try to remain hopeful knowing that this too shall pass.
Regulate regularly and use Grounding, Best breathing, Mindfulness and exercise to soothe your nervous system – practice really does make it better!
CO-regulate with your child and show them how you do it – MIRROR.
ME – copy my breathing – ‘Let’s visualise together, lets draw out the worries or dance/jog them out together!’
Accept yourself in the moment and have some self-compassion – you cannot always get it right and it’s okay to take some time out to vent.
Look and learn from what happens and the mistakes you and others make and be solution focused identifying what DID work well or better and problem solving instead of being problem focused.
Moderate and manage your self-care plan and adapt and be flexible in the moment knowing that finding your calm daily will only benefit you
and yours!

Share your calm plan:

Share and focus on the things your child can control – hand washing, keeping the rules around safety, not catastrophising but celebrating being safely with friends and learning again!
Help them to identify 3 positives at the end of each day and make up a good news book and revisit it at the start of the next day.
Acknowlege and do not dismiss their worries or concerns – listen and be there for them – ‘I am here for you and I am going to make sure we are safe together’ and support them to reframe those negative thoughts and remember a thought is not necessarily true.
Regulate together and show them how to use key tools from Mindfulness, Grounding, Deep breathing and Visualisation – let’s do it together now!
Exercise regularly and help them to see the benefits of those feel good chemicals on their nervous system.
Yourself first – take the time you need to find your calm so you can share it effectively and let you child know that you need to do this too!
Observe your child’s breathing and prompt them to take deep breaths when it becomes shallow or tight – use 5 finger breathing.
Understand that it is normal for us all to feel anxious and normalise this for them reinforcing that things will get better and we must not lose hope.
Regulate regularly at key points in the day – before and after school and during lessons/breaks etc and help them to keep a self-regulation diary/log –
see what works best and use it again!
Comfort your child when they need it – cuddles and kind words always help.
Accept your child in the moment and encourage them to have some selfcompassion – give the message it’s ok to be scared or angry and to vent but not ok to bottle it all up.
Look for the positives and identify what DID work well or better every day and keep a list to remind them that happy moments stay with us and can be revisited.
Manage and develop their well being plan and support them to engage in happy relaxing activities on a daily basis – factor in the fun whilst regulating the nervous system!

Dr Tina also has a YouTube channel with a wealth of topics included in her Webinars such as emotional literacy and self-esteem. Click subscribe on her channel to stay to to date.

This webinar recognises the need for self care in the context of the new uncertainty of Covid-19. Defining the links between adult and child dysregulation and recognising the potential for vicarious trauma is also a key focus. There is also an opportunity to consider how to set up personal and whole school systems to effectively manage stress and anxiety as part of a holistic self care plan.

Finally, Dr Tina has also worked closely with Nurture UK (https://www.nurtureuk.org/) to and produced The Wellbeing Toolkit. This is a training programme to build knowledge and skills in supporting the emotional health and mental wellbeing of children and young people. The key aims are to allow professionals and staff who work with children and young people to:
– Learn relevant therapeutic approaches and skills;
– Feel confident that they have developed the appropriate skills and knowledge base to identify at-risk students;
– Help prevent the escalation of any perceived difficulties and problems; and
– Fulfill Inclusion (Section 4) of the National Curriculum (2014) – by enhancing the emotional wellbeing of students and providing particular support for those experiencing social, emotional and/or behavioural difficulties, lessons can be planned to ensure that there are no barriers to every pupil achieving.

Find out more by clicking here: https://www.nurtureuk.org/news/wellbeing-toolkit-0

Thanks for reading,

Lynn