Every child has worries and as a parent, sometimes it is a challenge to comprehend how trivial matters to you, can be a big concern to a young person. Deciding how seriously to acknowledge some of this childhood anxiety is difficult and sometimes we get it wrong. It is easy to forget that something that seems small to us is big to them. I once read that if you don’t take any notice of the small worries when they are small, then your children will not share bigger concerns with you as they grow. This has stuck with me. I always try to take enough time to talk through worries with my children as they arise (generally at bedtime!). At some point you may consider that everyday worries are becoming more of an issue for your child. These worries may be evolving into anxiety.

The possible signs and symptoms

Here are childhood anxiety symptoms as described by the NHS: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/anxiety-in-children/#what-are-the-signs-of-anxiety-in-children

When young children feel anxious, they cannot always understand or express what they are feeling. You may notice that they:

• become irritable, tearful or clingy
• have difficulty sleeping
• wake in the night
• start wetting the bed
• have bad dreams

In older children you may notice that they:

• lack the confidence to try new things or seem unable to face simple, everyday challenges
• find it hard to concentrate
• have problems with sleeping or eating
• are prone to angry outbursts
• have negative thoughts going round and round their head, or keep thinking that bad things are going to happen
• start avoiding everyday activities, such as seeing friends, going out in public or attending school

It may be that there are many more signs and experiences will be different for every child with childhood anxiety.

How can you help? – Please also refer to my Infographic quick guide

1. Acknowledge the anxiety – We always want to protect our children from negative feelings but in this instance, this could make things worse. Taking away or ignoring the feelings, is not a successful strategy in the long term. Try not to suggest that there is nothing to worry about or trivialise the worry (you can however consider the probability and perspective in point 3 and 4). Instead take time to talk it through. The goal being that your child learns to manage their anxiety.
2. Develop an anxiety toolkit – Mind map lots of different things that your child can try if they are feeling anxious such as using play dough or talking it through with a friend. Your child will hopefully develop some preferred methods in order to prevent anxiety kicking in. There are ideas here for younger children: https://www.bbc.co.uk/cbeebies/joinin/seven-techniques-for-helping-kids-keep-calm and here: https://copingskillsforkids.com/blog/calming-and-relaxing-coping-skills for older children.
3. Probability – Similarly, many children have worries that are highly unlikely to actually happen. Unfortunate events in the news, in their family or locality can easily trigger an emotional response such as anxiety. Discuss with your child things that are likely to happen such as grazing your knee, in comparison to something highly unlikely such as an alien invasion. Draw a line with a scale of 1 – 10 with 10 being extremely worried and 1 being not worried at all. For each new worry your child has, consider with your child where it fits on the scale.
4. Putting worries in to perspective – Small things seem like big problems to the average primary child. Learning to categorise these worries into their actual size i.e. a lost rubber could be a small issue but an earthquake would be a massive issue. This discussion around the scale of the problem will hopefully provide your child with more skills in generating an appropriate sized response. You can search google images for ‘scale of problem poster’ to support this exercise.
5. Situation avoidance – Try not to always avoid situations that could cause anxiety. In some instances, it may be worth actively seeking out situations in order to support your child with something that makes them anxious. If your child is scared of dogs for example, visit someone with the friendliest dog in the world. Remind them that being scared of something such as dogs is not always a bad thing. It is of course important to be wary of unknown dogs but if you get to the point of crossing the street to avoid one, then it’s affecting your everyday life and and it would be useful to try to address it.
6. Reflect on your child’s lifestyle – Are they getting enough sleep? Outdoor play? Down time? Enough water? A balanced diet? Is there too much screen time? Sometimes small changes can have a big impact on a child’s mood.
7. Respect your child’s feelings – When discussing the anxiety, try to avoid making statements such as, ‘you’re getting too old to be scared of that’. Listen and support with positive strategies, without asking leading questions. Take care that children are not echoing what you are saying rather than giving their opinions. If you use the words ‘anxious’ or ‘worried’, they may just agree with you. Stick to open ended questions, asking how they are feeling about the thing that makes them anxious. I appreciate that this is easier said than done from experiences talking to my own children!
8. Model how to handle anxiety positively – This can be a challenge, especially if you are experiencing some anxiety yourself. Think about methods that you use to calm down or feel better and share them. Consider whether you are showing anxiety to your children and develop ways of reducing these. For example, try not to have heated debates with your partner in front of them and limit exposure to adult orientated news programmes. Children are very perceptive and pick up on more than you realise.

When should we get help?

If your child’s childhood anxiety is severe, persists and interferes with their everyday life, it’s a good idea to get some help. A visit to your GP is a good place to start. If your child’s anxiety is affecting their school life, it’s a good idea to talk to their school as well.

Parents and carers can get help and advice around children’s mental health from Young Minds’ free parent helpline on 0808 802 5544 (Monday to Friday, 9.30am-4pm).

See https://youngminds.org.uk/find-help/conditions/anxiety/ and https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/sites/default/files/anxious_child.pdf for further information and support

Thanks for reading,

Lynn How